THE SPANISH according to SOD´S LAW

A handy set of tips so that you´ll blend in…

- Wear beige and Burberry (more, if you´re a woman)
- After the age of grey hairs, adopt a “blonde helmet” – dyed, styled, and rigid (not you, guys!).
- Wear Ben Sherman shirts, Chinos, crew-neck jumpers tied around your neck (only for those aged 3 and over),
- Complain about the heat or the cold, whenever the temperature changes by one degree. Change wardrobe accordingly at a moment’s notice.
- Clean your abode in every spare moment,
- Claim Child Benefit (legally) till you are 28,
- Study till you´re 30, then get your first full-time job,
- Live with your parents till you hit 45 and can afford to rent a flat,
- Live within walking distance of work, or else, move house,
- Throw out all furniture over 3 weeks old,
- Have your rubbish collected every night at 2am, by gorgeous blokes.
- Have your streets cleaned every morning at 8.30am, by beautifully made-up model types (and the women are even better!).
- Wander around the city at night for hours with friends, deciding which bar to patronise,
- Eat every single part of an animal, preferably in the middle of the day… - …and then wear its skin,
- Drink wine, as long as it´s Spanish,
- Have the roads (and your car’s wheels) washed every week, at 3am – even when it´s pouring with rain…
- Always park your car with the handbrake off, so other people can push it forward when you block them in.
- Double park, and when you are blocked in, beep your horn till someone comes out of a nearby building, to move their offending car.
- Always stop to gurgle at babies in buggies, especially if blonde – the baby, not you).
- Have sex in every available public place: tube stations, park benches, because you can’t next door to your parents’ bedroom.
- Support and live with your children till they are 40, and your parents and in-laws till they peg out.
- Go out with your first, school-met, crush for 15 years, split up, and 2 months later, marry someone completely different (even as far as their gender!)
- Have less than 1.0 children. Spoil it.
- Never let a child near a computer till the age of consent!
- Have your child pierced (ears) at birth, to mark it as female.
- Get stuck in a traffic jam every Friday night (and then again, on Sunday night) for your get-away-from-it-all weekend break,
- Have terrible clutch control,
- Spend every weekend in the cottage in your family’s village, handed down from generation to generation, cramped with every other member of your family.
- Make sure you have 2 parents who come from 2 different villages, to spread the “crampedness”.
- Make sure you always brush (barge) past people on public transport, dislodging their bags as you do it,
- Slag off foreigners (but only those from poorer countries) at least once a week (principally because they speak more languages than you, or earn more money),
- Take a training course to park on a postage stamp (nudging other cars compulsory),
- Aim for a civil servant job-for-life, then spend years failing all the relevant exams,
- Be promoted for the years you served, not the initiative you,ve shown (or not…)
- Study English for years, and NEVER speak it.
- Be ripped off constantly by the monopolistic telephone company, complain a lot about it to everyone, except the telephone company.
- Only keep a dog if you live in a 20 sq m flat (or less), and it cost a lot of money (the dog, not the flat), and it has a certificate in Biting of the Highest Order….
- …Make sure you abandon it in a park, when you go on your month-long summer hols!
- At Carnival time, do NOT dress up, just congregate in places where other people are dressed up, to gawp at.
- Work all year (13 hours a day away from home) till July, then let it all hang out on a Spanish beach (God forbid that you might consider going abroad! Yeeuck!), returning home in September, depressed,
- Never take "sickies",
- Look up to the British for no good reason,
- Be smug about the eccentricities (circa 1940) of the British,
- Be slightly embarrassed about the eccentricities of the Spanish.
and despite it all, be really stable and well-adjusted!
Tick the box if you do any of the above…. Know anymore? Do I sound bitter?