AM I AN IMMIGRANT?

Inmigrantes: a Spanish word meaning "nasty, criminal foreigners of a different colour, who come over in boats to sponge off our Social Security System."
Immigrants: an English word meaning "foreigners living here."

I, unfortunately, am easily confused between the two definitions - English, but look South American. Typical first encounters with Spanish people…

"Papers, papers…" (= if you have sex with me, I´ll get you legal papers here)
"You´re from Brazil, aren´t you? My girlfriend is, and she speaks Spanish just like you!"
"So, which part of Peru are you from?"
"Your English is really good: which part of Peru are you from?"
"From London! No, but where are you REALLY from?"
" From London! Are you sure?"
"But you´re not blonde, with blue eyes!"
"I went to England once and hated the weather and the food."
"Is it true that you can´t walk down the street for all the umbrellas bumping into each other?"
"Here for the sunny weather, are you?"

Good retorts are:
"When was the last time you were in London?" (Only to people you know have never been outside Spain)
"I earn twice as much as you, have double the number of qualifications, and you´d have to be much better looking to have sex with me!"
"Gibraltar"
"Trafalgar"
"Security!!!!!"

And as for the look on their faces (priceless) and their change in attitude (smarmy, servile grin) when I open my gob and...
(a) they realise that I´ve been listening to all their comments about South Americans,
(b) they realise I´m NOT South American,
(c) they realise I´m English...

And they say "But of course, we don´t mean YOU..."

And who can blame them? They wouldn´t dare approach most stereotypical foreigners from rich countries, let alone address them that way. And those that don´t conform to their stereotype are too polite (especially South Americans) to confront them about their comments.

And yet, none of these are considered offensive, because…
(a) it´s inconceivable that it is humanly possible to insult someone from a poor country – they should be grateful we´re even speaking to them…
(b) we can insult anyone, as long as they are in our country…

Unfortunately, you can only win the Battle (Trafalgar...), not the war, because their retort will be:
"Well, if you don´t like it, go back to your own country!"
Though, not being a confrontational nation, they´ll never say it to your face...